"How Not to Comply and Lose Yourself in the Intimate Relationship"
Book Excerpts, Previews and Behind the Scenes
Most people I know have read The Five Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman. Such an incredible book! If you haven't already, read it! Each of us have a particular love language. They are ways we give and the ways we receive love, or ways we feel loved. Let's talk for a minute about how we receive love.
His 5 love languages are:
1. Quality time
2. Words of affirmation
4. Acts of service (do things for you)
Grab you partner and do this exercise (you can benefit if you do this exercise by yourself too):
Which is your primary love language? (write below).
If you were to name a second one, which one? What's the second most significant way you feel loved? (write below)
Now . . .
How do you take this information and incorporate it into your partnership?
Using the love languages you named above, and then list three things your lover can do for you that you'd enjoy receiving from him/her daily. (be specific)
Example: If your love language is “act of service,” you might say: I feel loved when my partner makes the bed for me each morning.
Your partner list hers too.
Personally, one of my love languages is receiving acts of service. I've learned in life that many partners say loving words, but do not back it up with actions of love. I feel that if you take the time and effort to take action for me in ways I need support on things, the more I feel you love me. This allows me to see you walk your talk. I admire, feel loved and feel safe when you show me acts of service.
Each of us exploring our love languages within, will discover ourselves more deeply. Partners will have insights on their lover's emotional needs. After you both get clear on what each of your love languages are, memorize your partner's language. Then, after you are clear on exactly what your partner wants in order to feel loved, make a commitment to each other to do 1-2 of these things daily. No matter what, every day, whether you are fighting or whether you're not, make a commitment that will transcend any expectations to have it returned, but rather done just from pure love in your heart. On tough days of conflict or feeling overwhelmed, you can imagine your partner to be an aspect of yourself and how you deserve love each day. This commitment is for you as much as it is for her. In following through with the commitment each day, safety will grow, and love will grow.
Through this exercise, your lover has told you a very intimate aspect of themselves. They've shared in a transparent, detailed way what they want to receive daily that helps them personally feel loved. You've done the same by sharing with them your love language. This will feel different for each of us. Some will love doing this exercise and others will feel resistance, but it's okay. Be gentle with it. Maybe it will be a vulnerable, yet freeing experience. Many adults never stop to ask themselves this question. They never stop to look within and identify with such clarity what would make them feel loved. Imagine now if someone were to do this for you every single day, no matter if they were upset with you or not. Every day. How enduring. How healing. How caring and loving. How unconditional.
Rheana ~Creating a Conscious-loving Partnership~