"How Not to Comply and Lose Yourself in the Intimate Relationship"
Book Excerpts, Previews and Behind the Scenes
Non-Negotiables vs. Your Ego Unwilling to Change
How do I know the difference between my non-negotiables vs my ego being unwilling to change?
Understanding the difference between compliance and compromise in relationships and life.
Non-negotiables are the things you will not negotiate on in relationship. Most of us do not develop into adulthood with a clear picture of our non-negotiables (much less even know this language to begin getting clear about them), but rather we discover what they are by coming across them painfully in unfulfilling relationships. Some non-negotiables are realized only via experiences you encounter and some are very subtle.
“How do I know the difference between my non-negotiables vs. my ego being unwilling to change?” This is a very deep contemplation for anyone who takes the time to honestly probe their own ego. How do you know what you will not negotiate on in relationship? What things are you willing to walk away from the relationship if your partner expects you to bow or if your partner is unwilling to change for you? How do you know if you are just being stubborn and unworkable? Maybe you are being unreasonable. How can you discern clearly if it's you being unreasonable or you truly have bumped up against an aspect you simply will not (and should not) change about yourself?
One simple and direct answer can be; it truly doesn't matter whether it's ego, unwillingness, stubbornness, fear, needed safety, or what's beneath it. All that matters is that you decided it's your non-negotiable. You get to decide what you will and what you won't put up with in relationship. You get to decide what you will change and what you won't change about yourself. Period. You owe no explanation, reasoning, or justification. This is a free-will world and you get to choose what's best for you. [The caveat is, you also most likely lose the relationship in this stance].
Now while that's a no-nonsense black-n-white approach to answer the question, many of us seasoned adults that have been in the dating world for many years realize it may not include a willingness to work together in your partnership to take such a no-nonsense approach and could be overlooking an important interpersonal relating aspect of your own shadow material (unconscious limitations) in all of your dealings. These shadow aspects are the areas within each of us that need developing for us to grow in emotional maturity. Most of the time, true compromise can be reached instead of ending in heartbreak. You both just need the tools to reach true compromise.
Intimate relationships have the effect to cause us to push beyond our comfort zone, explore our limitations, and to pierce through our illusions. We are willing to do this inner work because we want so sincerely to achieve that loving partnership we dream of. We want to achieve being the lover they need and for them to be the lover we need; happy and healthy and enjoying life together. In order to achieve that, we need room to have our joy and they need room to have their joy. We often must be willing to admit ways we can be better at relating. This can be a tricky dance to learn. I learned tools in navigating the dance steps and I want to share them with you.
When we grow and expand ourselves emotionally in these ways, we become better in our relationships. It takes bending in relationships to get along and allow room for both individuals to have what they want. This is where compromise comes into the picture. In order to know if you are compromising or complying (giving up something you want) you must know thyself. Thus, the journey of self-discovery commences -- know thyself. Know your boundaries, know your limits, know how to reach a true compromise, know how to identify IF you have just complied and given into their will, and know how to recover from times that you have complied. This is what my book helps you to identify clearly. This workbook gives you exercises that will help you exhaust all options and achieve compromise before giving up on the relationship prematurely just because you don't have the tools to identify your non-negotiables and achieve true compromise.